September 15, 2009

A Work in Progress

Last night my partner told me he wanted to bike across Canada. With me. Let's just clarify something here. We went for a very brief bike ride last weekend and my butt gave out after about an hour and I was sore for 2 days. So I'm wondering - when he says these things to me, is he thinking that this is something I would enjoy or is he thinking that it's what he wants to do and would like me there to keep him company? Because those two things are very, very different.
This is a recurring theme in our relationship and something that raises a question that has come up for me a lot lately. What do I want? Where am I in all of this? I don't think he's being selfish, really, I just think it's a pattern that we've fallen into over the years that I have allowed to happen. He decides he wants to do something and I just go along with it rather than think about what it means. I guess it's all part of the learning process, keeping track of where you're at and questioning the ruts you've allowed to develop. I'm hoping to learn how to better assert myself and challenge things that don't feel right. Therapy has helped put some of this stuff in perspective for me and I'm at the point where I'm frustrated by it because I want to change but I know that I have to get to the root of the problem before that change can happen. I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive. And molasses-like.

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