Early

Is it bad that I'm already thinking about Christmas? That I've written a weekly countdown to when my office closes for the holiday? Seven weeks from yesterday. That is not so long and the way the weeks are flying by, it will be here before I know it.
You know what else? Today we had crazy weather. Sunny one minute, then rain, then high winds whipping the branches on the newly naked trees. This afternoon I looked out my window and it was dark and apocolyptic outside. Then - sunny. Then I turned in my chair and saw - white. It was snowing. I think it only lasted a few minutes but there it was. Snow. Unbelievable. And while I gasped, there was, in the pit of my stomach, that child-like pea-sized bit of glee at the first snow of the year. I'd rather the warm, yes, but snow is magical - especially when it feels new. Most of the time, I'm able to embrace and enjoy it and that makes it all the better. Better than complaining about it all year. I think what got me thinking about Christmas is that my sister emailed me today to say she's coming to town the first weekend of December and I was thinking that we could do some fun Christmas things together since we don't have a lot of people to do them with since her husband is Jewish and mine is  Grinch! My Grinch would rather poke his eye out than acknowledge the holidays.
Anyway, the countdown to the holidays is on for me. Mostly because I'm looking forward to the break  I can't wait to have some time off to site and stare at the tree and read and watch movies. I'm busy and that means the time will continue to fly by. I can't focus too much on the upcoming holiday because it usually backfires and I get depressed about things. I think about the past and wish for things that don't exist anymore. It's a hard time of year but I always start it off with hope. Things are different for me than they were last year. Not watching tv has been very liberating. It sounds so stupid to say it but I feel less tied down - which was the whole idea of the exercise.
Therapy is getting harder. I feel like I've reached some sort of limit. I am very closed off about the deep, dark stuff and I don't know if I'll ever be able to let my therapist in. Cracking that shell might make me fall apart.