peace. happiness. purpose.

That's my list.

It's a tall order, no?

That's what I want in life.

This past week was kind of hard - I found myself desiring something that I don't think I really want.

I think I just think I want it because it's what other people want or have.

But it's never been what I want.

I know that my priorities have shifted a lot over the past couple of years - I let go of a lot of the "fitting in" kind of things that I used to do. It was my attempt at fitting in to what I thought was the way to be -
 I did a lot of things out of envy, or jealousy (I can never remember what the difference is between the two, frankly).
And even though I never knew any Joneses, I was trying to keep up to them - and eventually realized that the only person keeping score was me.
And truth be told - I've never really fit in. Not really.

So I've done well at leaving a lot of that behind. And for that I'm grateful.

But there's this one big thing left - the biggest, really, and I'm trying to figure out if it's what I want or if I want it because I think I should.
And if I imagine my life for the next 20 or 30 years - what is it I want to do?
And would it be better if it had that thing.
My gut says no,
but I'm still turning it over.

So back to my list - they all fit together but I know they won't come at the same time, and I'm ok with that,
but how will I find them
and when I do
will I recognize them?