all that you can't leave behind

I've been posting pretty regularly these days

but I haven't really been saying a whole lot.

I've been working through a few things over the past few weeks.

I have a tendency to fight with myself

to do one thing

and then chastise myself for choosing that thing over another.

But as I said,

I've been working through things.

I've been asking myself

"What do I want?"

This has been a crippling question for me throughout my life

and I think it's largely because I have often felt

like everything was out of my control

thus rendering my dreams

moot.

But here's where I'm at with this

at least for now.

What I want

is to be content

with where I am

and what I am doing.

Sounds like a grand statement, no?

But what I mean is - 

if I'm enjoying a book on the patio

with lemonade nearby

and the sun warming my legs

then I want my brain to settle in that place

and feel content

knowing that I am where I want to be.

I always feel like I'm racing

but never getting anything done.

I need to know it's ok to stop

(or not)

and that the world will keep on turning

and whatever I don't choose

will probably still be there for me

when I'm ready for it.