just one thing

Sometime in November
I realized that multitasking 

is an epic failure.

I admit to being a person who prided themselves on being able to do many things at once.

But back then I didn't have as much responsibility as I do now 

(It's my job that I'm talking about mostly, really.
I suppose I do at home too but the stakes aren't as high
when you're trying to do laundry,
feed the kitties,
and play Boom Beach.)

So I decided to try to do one thing at a time (at work). 

I shut off email notifications.

I cleared my desk except for the item that I'm working on.

I closed my door and ignored it when people knocked.

All of these things seem so simple. 

Straightforward.

But I quickly discovered how hard it is. 

I say that I started doing all of these things

but we are so used to being in five places at once

and being online in five more

and feeling that doing all that makes us better somehow.

So I found that after I cleared my mind and desk 

so I could concentrate - 

 I couldn't.

I started looking for distractions.

I got out my phone.

I looked out the window. 

I stared.

It's hard to stop.

I went back to work last week and didn't do any of those things I listed above.
I felt totally overwhelmed. Like I couldn't even make a to-do list.
(I couldn't make a to-do list.)

But I haven't given up on it entirely.
It's a work in progress.
See, I felt like I wasn't really doing anything well
and that the more I tried to do,
the less I got done.

So now
(sometimes)
I
stop.

Even now as I write this I'm drinking a cup of hot apple cider
and listening to Sigur Ros.
And admittedly, I had my journal out earlier
and started writing in it too.

I don't take enough time to be quiet
and to sort what I'm trying to say
or even, trying to ignore,
most of the time.
So when I do - I try to do it all at once.

When I think of the things I really want to be doing.
When I consider what quality time is for me-
playing video games and watching tv
don't even rank.

This does.
Writing something.
As does spending time with my beloved
and showering my kitties with kisses
(I actually do that a lot.)

But how do we remember?
In the middle
or at the end
of the day?

Where we really want to be?
What we want to be doing?
Just one thing.
Just one thing at a time.

to slow down.
to breathe.
to stop.

choose optimism

This morning was a funny one.

The kittens wake us up at an unmentionable hour - to eat, to play, to be acknowledged. 

All of the above. 

Sometimes I'm a glutton and choose to check the time.

Just to see.

Just to know. 

3:49

a.m.

Normally on Wednesdays I get up at 5:30 to go to the gym. 

But even the night before, when I was packing my bag, I think I knew in my gut that it wasn't going to happen.

My gym attendance has been hit or miss at best for the past few months

I'm trying

but I'm not turning into an athlete anytime soon.

Anyway - 3:49.

Fella is a doll.

He's a terrible sleeper and usually gets up to feed them and lock them out of the bedroom 

so I can get a couple more hours before morning actually arrives.

He gets less sleep than I am but he still does this.

I love him so.

I went back to sleep, he had to work early and at some point the kittens wanted back in

(they will not be ignored. They cry and scratch at the door relentlessly. 

Who can resist them anyway?

No one.

No one can.

I do have a point. 

And that point is that I didn't want to go to the gym even before I went to bed the previous night. 

The perk of this is that I had time to take my time in the morning. 

I got up early and was ready in no time. 

I went in to work early

(because, work, right now, feels like a heavy yoke on my shoulders and my days are long.)

Yesterday was not a good day - I was grumpy and negative and grumpy. 

(two grumpy-s in one sentence means really grumpy.)

So I set out early. 

And it was beautiful

(see photo above.)

It was quiet and the sky was orange.

We have had such a wonderful fall - warm, not too much rain, beautiful colours. 

For November, it hasn't felt much like November at all.

And that's ok. 

My gym skipping set a good tone for my day. 

I was productive and the foul mood was not to be found.

I enjoyed my day, and I don't remember the last time I said that. 

But I did. 

A week or so ago I was walking home from the grocery store 

and I had just finished grumbling under my breath

(about something that now I can't even remember which makes you realize 

it wasn't worth grumping over in the first place)

and I thought -

What is wrong with me?

Why am I so angry?

Stop.

And then I thought of something that I would normally scoff at - 

choose optimism. 

It's Pollyanna, yes, but so much less exhausting than hating on everything 

that rubs you the wrong way. 

This new motto hasn't since always been foremost in my mind,

but it makes me smile when I do remember it

if for no reason other than it sounds

completely

silly.

It takes you out of the moment.

It wakes you up.

It makes you smile.

And that is an improvement.