January 1, 2018

I am excited about the New Year. 

I don't want to be cynical and criticize
those who make promises to themselves

that they will likely never keep. 

I think that whether you are 

trying to change

or be better

or be more of one thing

and less of something else

There's nothing wrong with embracing a time

that is (or could be) 

of renewal.

There is something energizing about looking back

but moreso about looking forward. 

My 2017 had it's ups and downs

but I feel like there were more ups than downs.


We went camping this summer and fell in love with it.
We did a road trip home to the east coast
and discovered new places we are determined to return to.

We went to Cozumel for the first time and loved it.
We hosted two of my brothers
and their families for Thanksgiving
- my first time preparing a sit down meal for my family -
and it was a success.

I felt as though I had some big changes in my inner life too -
I started yoga in November 2016 and I am still with it.
It has helped me see the good in people.
Kindness.
It calms me and helps me believe in others as well as myself
but it has also made me stronger.

I have been in therapy for about the same time.
I was lucky to meet someone at a critical time.
She has helped open me up and create more space
- to breathe, to live more how I want to.
I am so changed by that.
It was hard, still is sometimes,
but I am so, so much better.
It was worth it.

My health was not great this year.
I had months of discomfort and pain.
I was finally diagnosed with seronegative arthritis in December.
It's frustrating and painful
but I've learned (am still learning)
to live with it and work around it
and I'm relieved that it wasn't something more serious.

I read 48 books this year.

I tried to slow down and do one thing at a time.
Sometimes I can do that
and sometimes I still can't.


Perhaps the most important part of this past year
is that I feel closer now
to knowing who I really am


and to being ok with it.
Really, truly ok.


Imagine that.

I'll be 47 in 30 days.
It's about time.

Women's March - January

Sunsets

Spring

Easter weekend = Kitchen makeover

New cabinets, new counters, new lease on life!

(there were still a few details to complete 

when I took these photos. 

I really need to take some more...)

Summer 

Camping discoveries

(including the discovery of camping itself)

& Canada 150 celebrations

Trip home to the east coast

Hopewell Rocks, New Brunswick

Cape George, Nova Scotia

Sunsets over the Northumberland Strait

I have a 15 minute walk to the subway from my house.

I started trying to take the time to stop and look around on my way. 

To notice things. 

I post them on Instagram

#whatIsawtoday

I've seen some special, beautiful things.

Chester, Coco and Sugar keep us afloat many days.

How could they not?

Fall

My decorations turned out great this year.

This year's pumpkin was an award winner.

December

Baking adventures

First time making gingerbread people...

 cookie gifts in beautiful packaging

Lots of snow (and cold)

So here's to a new year and all that it holds in store.
Hopefully there is more of the good things
and the strength and love of those around us

to cope with the rest.

Happy New Year!

all is quiet

Much to our surprise, we actually stayed awake until midnight last night.

We spent the evening with friends at their house - had an early dinner (fondue!) 

because their daughter is only 6 and generally goes to bed long before the witching hour.

And so we had our fondue, played a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity (which never disappoints in shock and hilarity) and before we knew it, found ourselves at 11:36pm.

We cracked the champagne,

turned on the tv to Times Square, 

(realized how out of touch I am with pop culture when I couldn't identify any of the hosts

or even Gwen Stefani, for that matter. What's up with her? She looks totally different.)

And quietly ushered in 2016.

We drove home on relatively empty streets and were in bed by 1:15. 

I couldn't tell you the last time I stayed up that late. 

Probably during an evening of talking and whiskey drinking with my brother. 

But I digress, as usual.

Today was quiet too.

Fella went out to his favourite coffee shop to do some writing

I stayed in bed with coffee to finish my book and cuddle the cats.

We decided to head out in the afternoon and go for a walk. 

It had been snowing, still relatively novel since we have had an unseasonably 

(read: wonderful) fall and early winter. 

(I already resent the snow and ice. and wish it gone. It's just so - messy.)

We were both tired so we weren't exactly chomping at the bit to get out

but we thought it would be best for our mental health so we hit the road.

We didn't know where we were going.

We were sure we would find something.

Toronto is a big city and today there was almost no traffic.

Just gigantic snowflakes.

We ended up in the east end of the city,

at Taylor Creek Trail.

It was beautiful. 

We were there for a couple of hours.

By the time we got back to the car

my cheeks felt slightly windburned and I was hungry.

We came home, made a pizza and relaxed.

I know. This story is really boring.

What is my point?

It's this -

I'm glad it's a new year.

I decided yesterday that I was done with resolutions. 

They result in disappointment and a sense of failure. 

And who needs that?

But to be honest - there are things I'd like to do this year.

To become. 

But they aren't resolutions.

Just...wishes. 

Or perhaps, promises to myself.

And maybe there's a little hope thrown in, 

to give the whole mix a bit of flavour.

The end of 2015 was hard

and later, I'll maybe say more about that

and how it's left it's mark.

I'm still trying to understand

and to find a place to hold one (terrible) thing that happened.

 I'll let you know where I land.

But happy new year.

2016. 

A lot could happen.

You never know. 

future me

This is a letter I wrote to the "Future Me" on January 2, 2014.

I like FutureMe.org because it can help you keep tabs on yourself, in a way.

It can help you stay accountable.

I can help you remember what you set out to do since, as we all know, 

it can be easy to forget.

This is what I said to myself early in the new year.

What will I tell myself this time round?

What will you?

January 2, 2014

Hey You,

So? 

How did it go? 

You decided that this was it. 

This was supposed to be the year of the jaw dropping transformation. 

So was it? 

Your reasons were different this time, which was important, because you've made these promises to yourself before. 

But this time - everything is different - isn't it? 

You are no longer anyone's child. You are an orphan. And as crippling as that reality is, why not make it for something good like committing to the changes that you've wanted to make for so long? Is it not as good a reason as any? Better, even?

So? 

Let's hear it.

Me

enjoy the silence

It's been awhile since I've landed here at the blog.

In some ways it doesn't feel like home anymore

I've changed

blogs have changed 

(a lot).

They've lost their lustre for many, now seem archaic in their method of delivery.

A lot of blogs I used to read regularly are now out of circulation.

It's hard to keep it going and I understand that.

Some people need to make money from blogging

and I get that too - and if the money and interest are no longer there

(because, really, if the interest is no longer there then the money dries up doesn't it?)

then other paths must be explored.

But I've never fallen into that category. 

I've had a smattering of readers over the years and I've gone through a variety of styles / attempts / what-have-yous.

But here I am - again.

And the year is nearing it's end. 

This has been one hell of a year

and by hell of a year

I mean a hellish year.

My father died in October of 2013. 

It was unexpected - sudden. 

We were so sure he was going to get better and then he was gone- just like that.

He was 83 (which really isn't as old as you may think).

My mother died in 1991 so I knew what it was to lose a parent.

But I didn't know what it was to lose the only parent I had left.

This was so, so different.

It's hard to explain - but here are a few metaphors where I will try.

I felt like I had been pushed out of a plane without a parachute.

I felt like I was on roller-skates and I was on a ramp onto the highway and couldn't stop my wheels. 

I felt like I'd been dropped off a boat into the middle of the ocean. 

Bobbing about - empty for miles.

You probably get the picture.

I have never felt so alone in my life as I have in the past year.

I am lucky - I have people around me who love me and took care of me.

I have a lot of siblings and they/we have made efforts over the past year 

to reach out to each other and to actually say

I love you.

But having no parents.

Even now, just writing that -

it kind of knocks me over.

My Dad and I weren't especially close - we didn't have that movie style father/daughter relationship

but we had been through a lot together when my mother was sick 

and I think that we knew what we were to each other. 

We were survivors of something really hard

and we saw each other at our worst

and came through it on the other side. 

We accepted who the other person was - warts and all.

So we were special to each other

and losing him has left a hole in my life.

And what I've learned from losing my mother

is that the hole never gets filled by anything else.

Yes - you get through the grieving 

and you figure out how to get life going again

but you never get over it.

It just becomes part of who you are.

After Dad died and my sister and brother, as co-executors of my Dad's estate, 

started to work on closing the books on his affairs (so to speak)

They discovered that my Dad's partner had helped herself to some funds that we didn't know he had

(frankly, we thought he had no funds at all.)

And what ensued was an ugly battle that has lasted over a year. 

We are very close to reaching the end

but in doing what she did, she terminated her ties with our family

(which I suspect is just fine with her - I don't think she particularly cared for any of us)

and caused a lot of heartbreak.

It was something that none of us ever thought could possibly happen

and has taken a toll on all of us. 

It warps and twists your grief into something even worse - 

it makes your sorrow boil in your heart into a hateful, ugly thing.

Every milestone feels like a weight on a chain hanging from your neck.

I wish I was exaggerating.

But I'm really not.

But as I said,

we are near the end.

We have reached a settlement which means we didn't have to face each other in court

and that is a very good thing.

I don't think any of us should come face to face with her ever again.

It's not what my Dad would have wanted - none of this is what he would have wanted

but that's the way it went.

But here, at long last, is the silver lining.

Here is what 2014 has taught me.

Early in January of 2014, I realized that there was very little that made me feel better.

I tried alcohol, food, sloth.

None of it worked 

(which I realize isn't surprising in the least but when you're in a fog of grief, 

you aren't exactly astute in your self awareness.)

I joined a gym in March.

And I feel better.

I was able, at that time, to figure out how to make a gym membership work for me.

I go before work three days a week. 

I get up at 5:30 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday

and go to the gym.

And it has worked. 

And it's now part of me in a way that exercise never had been in my life.

I can't go for extended periods of time without exercise anymore 

because my body just starts to give out on me.

I've lost about 15lbs and 6 inches.

I feel more like the person I should be. 

The size I should be.

I feel comfortable in myself again.

And I'm not done - I have a long way to go to where I'd like to be but I'm in no hurry. 

I've worked at this gradually for 9 months and I know I can do more. 

Be more. 

How many times have I made New Year resolutions about basically getting my shit together? 

Many

times.

But that's not what this was.

This was my way of trying to feel better.

And it worked. 

Of course I am still grieving. 

Dad has been gone 14 months and 2 days. 

(some days it seems like more and others it seems like less.)

And now that the lawsuit is finally coming to a close, I expect there will still be a whole new batch of emotions that were put on hold while we directed our energy towards hating my Dad's partner. 

But in the day-to-day, I feel like myself

and I'm proud of what I've accomplished

because I did it by myself

and for myself

and I know I will continue in my success.

What else has the year taught me?

I hate "sayings".

Cliches. 

But you know that one -

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

I buy into that. 

I think it's true. 

I am stronger after this past year. 

For better or for worse.

And here's another thing which everyone should consider 

whether you have a spouse, partner, children

or none of the above.

Make a will.

Keep it current

(my father's will was from 1991. I'm not kidding.)

Make it easy for the loved ones you leave behind

because it's a cruel thing to do otherwise.

That's all I'm going to say.

Last thing -

It's taken me a long time in my life to know myself.

I think that my development has been stunted in this area for most of my adult life.

It takes me a long time to figure stuff out and until I do, 

I spend a lot of time, energy and money on the wrong things.

I think for a lot of people, a lot of the immature shit we hang on to gets zapped by becoming a parent. 

Who you are as an individual becomes secondary to the health and wellbeing of your child.

It's all about being a parent to that child

and a lot of baggage gets tossed onto the back burner. 

You can't be as selfish when you're a parent 

as when you aren't.

(although that is a generalization - I know a few people who have children and are very selfish.

 I'm speaking generally here to make a point.)

I do not have children so in the past I have spent a lot of time and energy on meaningless crap.

On trying to be something other than who I am.

But I feel different now.

I'm not going to say that I'm completely different

but there's part of me that feels calm in a way that it never has before.

I've let go of some things that I should have let go of years ago.

I'm also less apologetic for my flaws. Less afraid of not being accepted.

I am a work in progress but what I want from life now is - well - not what it used to be. 

Maybe it's not just "the year" but it's also my age. 

I'm not a kid anymore

or even a young adult. 

But even as a childless adult, I realize that it's not all about me.

In fact, it mostly isn't about me at all. 

And that, somehow, makes it easier.

So what now?

What for 2015?

I was thinking about this a few weeks ago -

I always want to have at least some "thought" for the new year, if not a plan or resolve.

One thing keeps coming to me and I don't really know what exactly what it will be

but it's this -

acceptance. 

Acceptance of who I am

and how my life has played out so far

so I can figure out where I want to go from here.

I've never been a great planner-of-the-future

and I don't think that is about to change

but up until now I have spent so much time mired in the weeds of the day-to-day

that I've made poor decisions

that really won't do much for me down the road.

Acceptance is hard.

Aging is hard

(another post to come on that one).

but it's far from over.

The game has not yet been played out.

And I want to be an active participant in my own life

(that's a ringer from days of yore.)

But it's different now.

Because now

I 

am

awake.

be here now

Caitlyn Keegan

via Design Sponge

I was trolling through some of the posts on Design Sponge and saw that she had posted New Year's resolutions from a bunch of creative peoples (or as she calls them - the design community)

The image above resounded with me.

It is so important to be present in your life.

To be where you are rather than, perhaps, where you'd rather be.

And to give people the attention they deserve.

To focus, I suppose.

You never know what you might learn from those around you if you stop to listen.

It's simple

but true.

charge!

New River Gorge National Park, West Virginia

There's a funny theme in blog world in this early year.

A lot of bloggers out there seem to have both feet planted 

and a "let me at it" "let's do this thing" type of approach to the challenges (and hopes) that lie ahead.

I found it kind of funny at first

but it's also kind of charming.

I get that the new year can be daunting.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be super productive and accomplish everything 

we set out to do

and I think that since many of us lucky ducks have had some time off to recharge and clear our brains

we feel better prepared going in.

I hope my year is successful.

I realized today that I've been thinking lately, for perhaps the first time in my life

that I am up to the challenges that lie ahead.

And that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

I am ready.

It's the End of the Year As We Know It...

Well well.

Here we are again.

The last day of the year.

Out with the old

in with the new.

That was my commitment last new year's.
Out with the old and in with the new.

In a lot of ways - I was successful with my resolutions.

I changed it up.
I made it stick.

 And there were other adventures that I never could have predicted:

We drove 6300 kms to Florida and back.

I bought a new bike. (The nicest bike I have ever owned.)

I biked 200 kms on the new bike. It was the most difficult and most rewarding vacation I have ever had.

We made a trip home to visit my father. It was good to be home.

I read a lot this year. I think my count was 34 or 35. I'm going to try for 50 in 2013.

In August, fella and I decided to give up sugar. I'd been having a lot of back problems and I blamed my weight. I was at the heaviest weight I'd ever hit. I was struggling with trying to tell myself that I was ok as I was but at the same time aware that I really wasn't, physically. I was trying to be confident but knew I had to make a change.
So I did.
I proposed giving up sugar to fella and he said he was onboard 100%.

Here's the update - in 5 months I've lost 25lbs.

I feel amazing.

(well - truth be told, I have been indulging a bit over the last week but that's coming to an end, pronto.)
Giving up sugar was the best thing we could have done.
We both feel so much better. More energy, no blood sugar spikes, no cravings.
It's been the easiest change I've ever made.
Some of my physical ailments have eased and some things have changed that I never would have thought of.
(both of us went to the dentist in November and our hygienists asked what we were doing differently. The sugar was the only thing we could think of. Neither of us had any buildup on our teeth. Neither of us made any changes in how we clean our teeth. Isn't that interesting? You just never know how it will change you.)

I am looking forward to 2013.

I hope to drop more weight.
Go on more bike trips - perhaps out east this year
and explore the possibilities of my new favorite word - simplicity.

I hope you are happy on this new year's eve.
And perhaps filled with anticipation for all of the possibilities that it holds for you.
And that, if not all, one or two of your dreams come true.

What I Have Learned from 2012 (thus far)

A flash of a memory came to me yesterday.
I remembered having a conversation with my chiropractor once
and he said something along the lines of -
"when you're trying to make changes in your life, you can only do one thing at a time.
So if you're trying to exercise more, focus on that.
If you're trying to eat better, focus on that.
If you try to do both, you're sunk."

A wise guy, my chiropractor.
Without him, I doubt I would be upright.
I remembered this yesterday because last week and this week have been a little...
overwhelming.

It's classic "New Year's Resolution Panic Mode".
You set yourself up for all these massive changes and then freeze because the thought of trying to do all of them is completely overwhelming
and it gets hard to do anything at all.
You become so self-critical that all you see are the failings, not the little victories.

I started thinking about the resolutions that I made.
That they are all connected and their main purpose is this
"to make me feel good. Or at least, better."
And that because they are connected, I have to do all of them.

But I don't feel better.
I feel anxious
and disappointed.

So - it's time to take a breath
and choose
and perhaps take a snapshot of reality

Here's the reality:
It's January 19th.
It's not December 31st.
It's far from over.
It's barely started.

Here are some more truths:

On Monday, I did a workout and I went out on my lunch break. (Goal #4)
On Tuesday, I painted my nails (and went out at lunch) (Goals #1 & 4 and kind of even #3)
Today, it's snowing. Hard. So after work, I'm going to go for a long walk before my choir rehearsal. I have time. I also have sufficient clothes for bundling. (Goal #4 but definately not #3!)

So where's the flaw?
It's in my brain.
It's being so, so hard on myself
that really, it's sabotage.

So I have to stop.
It's a start - where I am - and that's ok - because it's still the start of the year.
There's no need to panic because drastic changes aren't visible. I just have to keep making choices every day. And try to make them good ones. And remember what my chiropractor says -because I want to feel good. And I want to be successful.

It just goes to show - sometimes you have to take it all apart
to put it back together again.

Goal #1 - new hue

I've been looking for a nice red nail polish - one that's not too bright or garish.

I'm pretty pale in the winter (well, most of the year, really)

 but I wanted something kind of dark.

Dramatic, but not

Christmassy.

That's so over.

I found this one and thought it was worth a go:

OPI Kennebunk-port

It's kind of a berry

kind of a wine

and it's kind of darker than it looks in the picture above.

We shall see!

This one is going on the fingertips next week!

New things!

In with the new goal #5: fun!

This is it!

This is my last goal and I thought it would be nice to end on a high note.

This is the fun stuff goal.

These are just a few of the things I'd love to do this year:

I want to take a photography class / workshop.

I want to go scuba diving again. (I haven't done it in years and I miss it!)

I want to see this and this.

I want to eat in the dark.

I want to go to the zoo (I have Groupons that I must use!)

Add one of these to my collection?

It's a start!

I hope this year is a great one for all of us.

I'm excited about my goals

and I'm hopeful that I'll be successful -
if not in all, at least in some.

Onwards and upwards!

In with the new goal #4: move it

As I've mentioned a bunch of times, I started running in the fall.
Then I hurt my hip and could do nothing for weeks.
And I felt like a lump for most of November and December.
But it's a new year and there has been change brewing.

Maybe it's because I couldn't work out that I really wanted to.
Maybe it's because I really feel like garbage if I don't keep moving.
My back hurts, my legs hurt, I don't sleep well.
My insides and my outsides feel old.

So when thinking about these goals, I wanted to figure out a way of doing it in an attainable way.
So here's what I came up with:

(at least) 3 workouts per week
I've cleared a little space in our basement and I've got a bunch of workouts from Fit Chicks that require no equipment except for a yoga mat and some dumbbells. Check. Easy.
The workouts are only 20 minutes each but I've been adding on more abs and extra cardio (mostly consisting of me dancing around. )
Dancing is fun!
I also watched a lot of Glee over the holidays and am feeling inspired.
The workouts are good and well rounded and I have 6 different ones so as we did with bootcamp, I try to do something different each day.

Go for a 30 minute walk during my lunch break, at least 3 days per week
I am terrible for eating my lunch at my desk, which means that there are days when I never leave my office for the entire day. This is very unhealthy - both physically and mentally. Even if it's freezing, it's better to get outside and clear your head and get away from the office (and the people in it!) Oh and it's a little bit of exercise.

That's kind of it.
Simple, right?
Sure - ask me in February.
That's the hard part, really. Keeping at it.
But here's what I've done.

I've set up a binder to track my workouts (again using a chart from Fit Chicks (love those chicks!) You write down what you're doing and what your plan is for the next day. I've also taken my (eep!) measurements and weight so I can track my progress. I have even (ack!) taken photos of myself (I really can't believe I did this) so I can both remember what I want to change and see what I have changed. (Please note: Those photos will not be going up on this blog. I struggle enough with just knowing they exist. Gah!)
I've also written letters to myself via FutureMe. There will be one coming in about 8 weeks, then 3 months, and so on. I love FutureMe. It's a great way to remind yourself of how you feel and what you are hoping for. A way of getting you back on track when you've lost your way.

This is not weight loss goal.
It's about feeling good and I know that if I keep this up and do lose some weight, then the good feelings will be there.
It's so complicated, really. It's not just about numbers. It's about accountability and taking responsibility for yourself.
Life doesn't usually turn out the way you think it's going to.
But I still want to feel proud of who I am and what I've accomplished.
Even if it's not even close to where I thought I would be.
It doesn't mean it's a bad place.
It isn't. I have a good life.

I just want it to be better.

Tally-ho!

In with the new goal #3 - style

When I was a young'un, I was pretty daring when it came to fashion.
I loved Vogue
I tried to copy looks from the magazine
(since the clothes weren't exactly available in Dartmouth in the 1980's)

I wore vintage before it was cool (or even vintage, for that matter. It was just second hand. There's a great second hand store in Nova Scotia called Frenchy's. We found some amazing stuff there.)
I wore a men's tuxedo jacket that was amazing.
Vintage purses, camel hair and houndstooth coats.
Hats!

Remember when you were young and would go out in the winter dressed in clothes that would in no way block out the cold?
And you didn't care because you looked damn good.

In the past few years, I've become pretty conservative. I guess it's because I work Monday to Friday, 8-4 in an office job (something I never imagined I would end up doing.)

But you know what?

I feel conservative.

I feel kind of frumpy too.

It's not good.

So guess what?
That's going...

Out with the old, of course!

So how do I get around this without replacing my whole wardrobe?

well that's where

In with the new...
comes in!

I think it can be done with little things. That's what everyone says.

Bright red lipstick.

A new hairstyle - cutting my hair short was a big move for me but lately all I see is lovely long hair and I want in. So -why not? If anything, it's harder to cut your hair short than to grow it out so off we go!

A scarf to brighten up my perpetually grey wardrobe
(I love grey, it's my favorite colour, but really? I need to not wear it every day or multiple shades of it. It's a bit too....grey)

Wear heels.

Wear leggings, perhaps. Can you believe it? I have not been able to bring myself to wear leggings because it's a case of "been there, done that" for me. I wore them when I was a teenager and can't re-do it. But maybe I should! Maybe I will. I'll have to work up to this one, folks....

There are lots of other things.

I'll keep you posted.

Time to look at things differently, I think. Use my former self as an example.

Could be fun!

In with the new goal #2 - eats

As promised, I'm sharing my goals for 2012. I've already told you about beauty nights. (Which I think is in order for tonight. I go back to work on Wednesday so if I feel pretty doing that, then going back to work won't be so painful.)

So onto goal #2.

Out with the old:
I love food. I love to try new restaurants. I wouldn't say I'm a particularly adventurous eater (I have issues with meat of various varieties)
Brunch is my favorite meal. In fact, I would be content to eat toast for almost every any meal.
Rye toast, in particular. It doesn't even need toppings - just a bit of butter on the crispy surface does just fine.
But a girl (and her expanding thighs) can not and should not live on toast alone.
Time to end the toast-a-thon.
(I don't actually eat toast for every meal, I just would if I had no self-control whatsoever.)

In with the new:
I tend to get into cooking ruts. I fall back to the same old recipes week after week, or worse, start relying on my friends at Pizza Pizza to feed fella and I .
There are no good excuses for this.
I'm a pretty good cook.
He'll eat mostly anything I make.
I like to try new things.
I'm just kind of....lazy.

So here's the dealio - I'm going to try to come up with one new recipe every month.
That doesn't sound like a lot, does it?
That's the idea.
If it's not too hard, then I should be able to do it, right?

I'm usually pretty good at planning meals and buying the groceries ahead of time for said meals, but I still get sick of making the same things or relying on the old-faithfuls.

So - one a month.

There is one little thing - I'd like it to be healthy. (But don't tell fella that.) I'd like to see us eating more greens and less starch. I read an article the other day that said you should try to eat salad every day. That's hard to imagine in January, but I'm going to try. That way I can still have a sandwich for lunch but I'll have eaten a salad with it. Or at least a bunch of vegetables. And aren't there vegetables in sushi?

(We'll still go for brunch, by the way. I just think it will be better if I eat brunch after a week of healthy eating with lots of vegetable. Makes up for the bacon.)

And if I'm really good with the recipes, I'll even share with you what I make!

Goal number 3 coming up!

Happy New Year!

 I hope it's safe and fun and that you see, 

with childlike wonder, 

all the possibilities that the future holds.

And that all of your new year's dreams come true.

Open the door!

New Year...new...what?

(source)

I've been thinking a lot about New Year's resolutions
Why we feel compelled to make them
Why the urge for change
and the recurring hope that we can make a complete overhaul of our lives, ourselves.

But I too have been feeling the urge for change.
I think it's because I've had some time off
to rest and recharge
and clear some of the cobwebs that had gathered over December
and here I am - full of get up and go
and ready to go.

The new year is a perfect chance for a fresh start
a do-over of sorts.
But how do you make the promises stick?
(the idea, after all, is to feel better, not worse. And failure stings - big time.)

I read something on Vitamin Daily this week that I liked - they'd asked their editors to write about new year's traditions or superstitions and one said that every new year's eve, just before midnight, her grandfather would open the door "to let out the old year" and then, at midnight, he'd open it again "to let in the new".

So that's my resolution this year. Out with the old so I can l make room for the new.

What does that mean exactly? Well, here what I've figured out.

I don't want to set myself up for failure so I'm trying to stick with things that I know make me
feel good.

It will go like this:

Out with the old:

We don't have cable, which means I don't watch tv. But that's not exactly true. I download heaps of stuff and I spend my evenings watching the same amount of that as I would if I were watching HGTV (which was my addiction when we did have cable.) It may be better quality viewing, but it's still tv. Time to get the booty off the couch.

So what will I do with myself?

Well, that's where the new comes in.

In with the new:

You may have read my post about painting my nails.  Sadly, it's something that I don't make time for. It's not that I don't have time, it's that I choose to do other things (See above).
So I've decided to have my own personal beauty nights.

Paint my nails, do a facial, take a bath, light some candles.

I never make the time to do these things. But as I discovered with painting my nails, it makes me feel better. Doing something makes me feel better.
Check.

So that's number one and I've got a few more. Check back over the coming days to see what else I've come up with!

What are you doing New Year's Eve?

Me?

Not so much.

I'm drinking coffee in my new coffee maker

(which I'm not in love with yet. I want to be, but I don't adjust to change well and well, I had my old coffee maker for about 8 years. It's an old Krups that made great coffee. Very basic. Nothing fancy. But good. Right up till the end.

And why did I replace it?

Because the carafe in the old one is cracked.

It leaked sometimes

and it was pretty grotty looking.

Here's it's replacement:

It's not much fancier than the old one. 

It just looks nicer.

I know people are all crazy about these pod coffee makers but I'm old fashioned.

I buy fair trade beans and grind them in my old kitchen aid grinder 

and they are delicious.

(I get a deal on the beans - the church I sing at has an arrangement with Alternative Grounds on Roncesvalles and I can buy a kg for $10. They are the best coffee beans I've had and yes, it's a good cause. 

Best + good = great!)

We had a bunch of gift cards for Crate and Barrel and for some reason we couldn't decide on what to spend them.

So I bought some Christmas ornaments that were on sale 

and fella encouraged me to buy a new coffee maker 

(that's love. He doesn't even drink coffee so it's not like he'll even use it. He didn't encourage my purchase of the ornaments but he didn't wrestle them out of my hands either. He just ignored that purchase entirely)

(We've also discussed buying the Breville  smart toaster that's $149 but I pause for two reasons:

$149 for a toaster is ridiculous

I love toast but I try (during regular non-Christmas/holiday times of the year) to not eat a lot of bread.

I would be quite happy to eat toast for the majority of my meals 

but then I would become a chunky monkey with scurvy. 

Not ideal.

Here's the toaster:

We also don't have much counter space so I don't want a whole bunch of appliances that I have to find space for.

Yes, we have a toaster currently but it's a $10 job I bought at Canadian Tire 8 or 9 years ago and it does the trick just fine thank you very much.

 I don't need a toaster that costs more than my metropass.

So - what was my point in all this?

Ah yes. 

I'm feeling better.

Having the flu is a weird thing.

Not only do you feel like crap 

(and don't get me wrong - I had a very mild case. I was a lucky duck.

I had a cough that, while annoying and gross, hasn't gotten any worse. I didn't have a fever - just some aches and pains and I felt really tired. I lost my appetite but was still able to get down some nanaimo bars and a few Christmas cookies anyway (as well as some toast- natch.)

but you don't feel like yourself.

And in some ways - that is worse.

You lose your spirit and gung-ho-ness 

(I know that's not a word.)

You just can't do much.

And it's yucky.

But I'm on the other end of it now and I'm glad.

Because it's New Year's Eve!

Do you make resolutions?

I looked at what I wrote this time last year and saw that I had decided not to.

Smart girl.

I prefer to not set myself up for failure.

But I also saw that some of the things that I was hoping for did come true.

And that made me smile.

Obviously the biggest hope I had was that we would find our house

and find it we did.

And no - it's not all perfect but I didn't think it would be.

But it's pretty darned good.

And now we're adjusting to having the responsibility of owning the house

and our financial future

and the sacrifices that go along with that

(like no trip to Mexico for a second year in a row! Sob!) 

but for some reason, it's not too difficult for me to swallow that pill

because I think it's worth it.

(ask me again in a month when I'm turning 40 in the frigid wasteland. Perhaps I'll feel differently then! One month from today! Ack!)

Life is different for us now.

There's no question about that.

But I think we're in a good place.

And that's a good place to be at the beginning of the New Year.

Happy New Year!